Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Things that are so "Piered"
I work at this five star restaurant in Newport RI, my soul and body generally belong to it some 60-70 hours a week during tourist season. After work every night... around midnight... in the summer months we generally all meet up and I proceed to tell everyone about the day I have had, the characters I worked with, what absurd things they have done, and the lovely people we have served.
Most nights I talk about our lovely customers and the great questions they ask like " how fresh is your seafood?" when they are sitting on our patio that literally rest over the waters of Newport harbor, and in conjunction with that of Narragansett bay. I reply with a sincere "Caught it myself this morning." I really enjoy the smug customers, no, like I'm serious, they always make you laugh, for example there was this one gentlemen that I served a open-faced steak sandwich to, it is described in our menu that is served open face with an additional slice of bread should it be required.This particular customer decided to give me a culinary education because that was not acceptable,and I was a moron for not knowing how to close a sandwich, as if I made this dish myself. I simply took it back to the kitchen put the other piece of bread on top and he smiled and said how great of a listener I was.
As a food runner I spend most of my time in the kitchen waiting for orders so that I may serve them. This is where all the characters hide in the restaurant business. The chefs are all very entertaining and I enjoy working with them, most days. there is also a certain percentage of workers that speak spanish, I have learned and aquired a great vocabulary of spanish, because every girl needs to know the word for pimp in espanol. never the less I value each person I work with and encounter, because I would have a very borring life if I hadnt.
but when it all just becomes too overwhelming we say
"god, this is so PIERED!"
Most nights I talk about our lovely customers and the great questions they ask like " how fresh is your seafood?" when they are sitting on our patio that literally rest over the waters of Newport harbor, and in conjunction with that of Narragansett bay. I reply with a sincere "Caught it myself this morning." I really enjoy the smug customers, no, like I'm serious, they always make you laugh, for example there was this one gentlemen that I served a open-faced steak sandwich to, it is described in our menu that is served open face with an additional slice of bread should it be required.This particular customer decided to give me a culinary education because that was not acceptable,and I was a moron for not knowing how to close a sandwich, as if I made this dish myself. I simply took it back to the kitchen put the other piece of bread on top and he smiled and said how great of a listener I was.
As a food runner I spend most of my time in the kitchen waiting for orders so that I may serve them. This is where all the characters hide in the restaurant business. The chefs are all very entertaining and I enjoy working with them, most days. there is also a certain percentage of workers that speak spanish, I have learned and aquired a great vocabulary of spanish, because every girl needs to know the word for pimp in espanol. never the less I value each person I work with and encounter, because I would have a very borring life if I hadnt.
but when it all just becomes too overwhelming we say
"god, this is so PIERED!"
Posted for Rachel
Paulo is a good man of Italian descent with ritualized patterns of thought and behavior, almost to the point of obsessive-compulsive behavior, and hyper-protective instincts. Everything he does is to prevent possible future trouble for himself and those he loves.
At his daughter, Pescar’s university, Smivff College as Paulo called it, he valiantly helped her move all her stuff and go to turn in her keys.
At the Key-returning station, Pescar anxiously approached the woman at the desk to tell her the room key was lost.
The woman was surprisingly kind and casually explained room keys cost about $25 to replace and that they’d get to it eventually but to call if she found it. Cheaper than Pescar had thought!
Paulo broke in “shouldn’t they cost more? I mean a person who loses a key is putting others in danger if someone BAD finds it”
The woman behind the desk appeared slightly flustered.
“How much is it to replace the card? He continued
“Well one cards are about the cost of keys. I suppose if you lost all your keys you’d have to pay to replace them all which wouldn’t be fun”
She must have wondered, was this man a masochist? Did he want to be charged more?
“Well… well shouldn’t they change the lock? Replace both keys? She still has a roommate that could be in danger supposing someone BAD found the key and KNEW which room it was for”
Pescar broke in “Dad if you lose the house key they replace them all but everyone leaves their doors unlocked anyway and there’s no way someone would find the key and know which room it was for… that’s ridiculous”
Wrong thing to say.
Paulo “That’s very dangerous, Pescar. Do you want your roommate to be in danger? I hope you don’t leave your room unlocked in Geneva.”
Pescar headed for the door, knowing they would be there indefinitely if she didn’t do something. “Come on, Dad!”
The woman at the desk chuckled audibly.
***
On the way to their next stop, the post office, Paulo cheerily says “did you hear what that woman said? If you lose your house key, you have to pay for everyone’s keys to be replaced.”
“I think she was just saying that if you lose all your keys – like your whole lanyard it costs a lot”
“No no I think she said that…
And so forth
At the post office, Pescar just wanted to check her mailbox one last time. Finding it empty, she turned to leave. But Paulo said insistently “no you need to talk to this woman about getting your mail forwarded.”
“Dad I already filled out the form months ago”
“But You’re going abroad!”
“There was a box to check about going abroad”
“But do you get it forwarded to Switzerland? I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Pescar. What if the foreign government goes through it and sees that your debit card has been stolen and they see a bank statement that says you have no money and they don’t want you in their country!”
Pescar walked to the bookstore, speechless.
In ten minutes, he came to find her: “PESCAR!”
There was nothing to be done. If she didn’t talk to the post office lady, she would never get to go home.
“Talk to this woman. She’s very nice! You’re acting ridiculous” he said in a forceful whisper.
The post office woman looked like she’d had a long day already. In a monotone sales pitch she rattled off the routine procedure I was already aware of “You filled out your mail forwarding form, and you’ll get a postcard later asking for an address. You can put either your abroad address or get your mail sent home”
Okay. Thank you. Have a nice day.
“Pescar I think you should have your first class mail sent home. You don’t want it sent abroad that could be dangerous.”
“Dad, I already knew that I was going to get something in the mail about where to get it forwarded. It was kind of unnecessary to bother her in person. There are 2500 undergrads alone at this school. They don’t all go to talk to the person at the desk. There’s a system in place…”
“Pescar, not everyone talks to them. It’s very important to take care of it in person.”
And that was that.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Things that aren't really for the sitcom
Just so there is an account of this story on this blog, which we wrote last year:
By Kayla and Hilary
Once upon a time, in the year 2016, a group of hoodlums/cool kids began their weekly gang meeting in their adorable yellow cottage (with blue shutters) in the heart of Provincetown, MA.
At the gang meeting, they discussed what kind of cake they would bake next. Hilary suggested the classic funfetti, which was readily rejected by Kayla’s husband Geoff. Geoff, clad in plaid, played the guitar in the corner for the rest of the meeting, convinced that a panda-shaped cake would have been best. Geoff, retired from Ace of Cakes, had become even more bitter with his fading stardom.
When Yo Gabba Gabba came on television, the gang meeting was immediately truncated in order to absorb the incredible intellect played out in song and dance. They all put on their DJ Lance Rock hats and rocked out in the living room.
Meanwhile, Kayla’s 12 children were biting each other in the basement, which was remedied with her serenading them with a rendition of the acclaimed Yo Gabba Gabba tune “Don’t Bite Your Friends.”
After the show, Meredith arrived late. She just returned from her cruise around the world, and brought back lots of hot Indian men for Hilary to have her way with. Meredith also showed them several blueprints for glass designs inspired by her trips.
When one of the hot Indian men complained of overexerting his back, Meredith gladly massaged him.
Chad, with sophisticated mutton chops, waltzed into the house (that he designed) after a day of supervising the architectural endeavors of local trannies. Souped about his project of a treehouse design for an eco-friendly and gay-friendly manor, Chad brought in his two kids Huckleberry and Shiskabob to play with the domesticated pandas lurking in the bamboo room.
Brady arrived home shortly after Chad, elated by the success of the film project he was currently producing. The film, which starred Kirstin Wiig as all eight main characters, depicted a day in the life of each of Bob Littlefield’s eight personalities. Portsmouth citizens were astounded when they realized that their local hero, Bob, sometimes took part in drag karaoke as an outlet to release his eight different forms of expression. The film brought America closer to the trials of high school principals and the grueling schedule of trannies.
Nate showed up, was awkward, put his aviators on and left.
Kayla snuck out to make a phone call to her husband John (Krasinski) regarding the biting habits of their child Livingston, one of 6 children, who was spending the day with his grandparents in Martha’s Vineyard. She then phoned John (Cusack) to see how her and her lover’s 67 cats were faring.
Bear Grylls made a quick appearance by swinging in on a vine readily located outside the kitchen window. He taught the gang how to monkey crawl out of quicksand, because it was his favorite thing to do.
Kayla and Bear retreated to the bamboo room, as the pandas had left earlier.
Nate came back because he forgot to say “That’s what she said.” He said it, and left.
Kayla’s child with Drake Bell, Ferris, came into the room and promptly sauced everyone in the room in German, French, and English. Meredith commended him for his fine skill in the art of saucing. Meredith’s hubby, John Butler, proceeded to entertain the gang with a round of songs about love and peace and the ocean in Meredith’s eyes. Kayla joined in with some harmonies.
Mark Firehammer poked his head in the kitchen window and played a guitar solo, then invited everyone down to Sam’s, relocated in Provincetown, for pizza and music!
Jim Gaffigan met them there with some cake. Geoff was pissed at its lack of creative decoration. Nate cheered him up with a drum solo and then ran out to check on the bed and breakfast he ran downtown.
After a long night of singing and dancing, everyone returned home for a Lady Gaga dance party. Kayla didn’t know whether to be souped or disturbed, so she snuck out to meet up with a more than friendly friend from France.
Hilary serenaded them all with accordion until the sun came up and they all dozed off into the late afternoon.
By Kayla and Hilary
Once upon a time, in the year 2016, a group of hoodlums/cool kids began their weekly gang meeting in their adorable yellow cottage (with blue shutters) in the heart of Provincetown, MA.
At the gang meeting, they discussed what kind of cake they would bake next. Hilary suggested the classic funfetti, which was readily rejected by Kayla’s husband Geoff. Geoff, clad in plaid, played the guitar in the corner for the rest of the meeting, convinced that a panda-shaped cake would have been best. Geoff, retired from Ace of Cakes, had become even more bitter with his fading stardom.
When Yo Gabba Gabba came on television, the gang meeting was immediately truncated in order to absorb the incredible intellect played out in song and dance. They all put on their DJ Lance Rock hats and rocked out in the living room.
Meanwhile, Kayla’s 12 children were biting each other in the basement, which was remedied with her serenading them with a rendition of the acclaimed Yo Gabba Gabba tune “Don’t Bite Your Friends.”
After the show, Meredith arrived late. She just returned from her cruise around the world, and brought back lots of hot Indian men for Hilary to have her way with. Meredith also showed them several blueprints for glass designs inspired by her trips.
When one of the hot Indian men complained of overexerting his back, Meredith gladly massaged him.
Chad, with sophisticated mutton chops, waltzed into the house (that he designed) after a day of supervising the architectural endeavors of local trannies. Souped about his project of a treehouse design for an eco-friendly and gay-friendly manor, Chad brought in his two kids Huckleberry and Shiskabob to play with the domesticated pandas lurking in the bamboo room.
Brady arrived home shortly after Chad, elated by the success of the film project he was currently producing. The film, which starred Kirstin Wiig as all eight main characters, depicted a day in the life of each of Bob Littlefield’s eight personalities. Portsmouth citizens were astounded when they realized that their local hero, Bob, sometimes took part in drag karaoke as an outlet to release his eight different forms of expression. The film brought America closer to the trials of high school principals and the grueling schedule of trannies.
Nate showed up, was awkward, put his aviators on and left.
Kayla snuck out to make a phone call to her husband John (Krasinski) regarding the biting habits of their child Livingston, one of 6 children, who was spending the day with his grandparents in Martha’s Vineyard. She then phoned John (Cusack) to see how her and her lover’s 67 cats were faring.
Bear Grylls made a quick appearance by swinging in on a vine readily located outside the kitchen window. He taught the gang how to monkey crawl out of quicksand, because it was his favorite thing to do.
Kayla and Bear retreated to the bamboo room, as the pandas had left earlier.
Nate came back because he forgot to say “That’s what she said.” He said it, and left.
Kayla’s child with Drake Bell, Ferris, came into the room and promptly sauced everyone in the room in German, French, and English. Meredith commended him for his fine skill in the art of saucing. Meredith’s hubby, John Butler, proceeded to entertain the gang with a round of songs about love and peace and the ocean in Meredith’s eyes. Kayla joined in with some harmonies.
Mark Firehammer poked his head in the kitchen window and played a guitar solo, then invited everyone down to Sam’s, relocated in Provincetown, for pizza and music!
Jim Gaffigan met them there with some cake. Geoff was pissed at its lack of creative decoration. Nate cheered him up with a drum solo and then ran out to check on the bed and breakfast he ran downtown.
After a long night of singing and dancing, everyone returned home for a Lady Gaga dance party. Kayla didn’t know whether to be souped or disturbed, so she snuck out to meet up with a more than friendly friend from France.
Hilary serenaded them all with accordion until the sun came up and they all dozed off into the late afternoon.
Trannies, Tranny-corns, Tranny, Tranny, Tranny.
Over the years, our group of friends has developed an unhealthy (or too healthy?) obsession with trannies. It's very difficult to explain to outsiders who don't understand why we can use tranny as a noun, adjective, and verb. Tranny usually means something good, such as "Wow, your art project is so tranny!" or "You're looking super tranny today!" Occasionally, tranny can be used in a more negative light, but a modifier must be given in order to perceive this, such as: "That woman's hair is tranny, in a bad way."
Trannies themselves are really awesome, and we make it part of our daily lives to inform each others of all the cool trannies that we have seen, heard of, or encountered.
One of our group of friends is an RA and had to make doortags for all his residents. Over the summer, we all worked together to make a variety of trannycorns for the incoming freshmen. These unicorns were painted and accessorized to achieve maximum glam potential.
We're also really looking to find a tranny friend to add to our group/sitcom, so if anyone wants to apply, feel free.
Have a tranny day!
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/MTxZKApSuODwzvCE?cmpid=ey_fb_friend
Derek next door
One our neighbors, Derek, sometimes comes over to hang out. Derek is the most mellow person in the world. We have a friend who met him only once, and to this day talks about the depth and beauty of his blue eyes. Derek just has a way of making it seem like he is the only authentic man in the world, always ready to cheer you up. He speaks really quietly, and will go on talking about music or about engineering and it all just seems so incredibly interesting. He also enjoys serenading us with his new guitar tunes, which are serene melodies that he composed on the guitar that was given to him last summer as a gift. Last night, we all hung out until about 2 AM, and as he walked out the door, said "Goodnight guys. Sleep well, i'm just gonna go back home and play some more guitar." Until when, Derek?! How are you so cool, go to sleep.
An Introduction to Mildred
Mildred is my grandmother. She is an 86-year-old woman who lives in a condo of a huge white mansion by the ocean. She has a Minnie Mouse voice. She also happens to be INSANE.
Here is a list of a few of the ridiculous incidents connected to her:
- Once, she sent me a ring as a birthday gift wrapped in sanitary pads.
- The first two years of college, she sent me nuts at least once a week.
- She encourages me to copy the ideas of others and claim them as my own.
- She tried to find out if I was a lesbian, but then immediately denied that she ever hinted that.
- She accused the daughter of one of her neighbors as stealing some of her jewelry, but, in fact, the jewelry was in a bag and had fallen behind a dresser. Yet she still maintains to this day that the daughter stole it.
- She sent me two giant orange paper balls in the mail for Halloween.
- One day, she referred to cookies as chips, and bananas as bread.
- She stalks my mother and I at our places of work. She often drives by and looks in the window to see what we're up to.
- She has an extensive collection of valuable antiques, and constantly mentions them. She has had me document each and every item so that she has a summary of the collection, and can use that to decide which items will go to each family member when she dies.
- She won't throw anything away, so instead gives us even the oldest and moldiest of items, thinking we want them (we don't).
- She is a terrible driver, and almost always drives in the middle of the road. I tell her to please pick a lane. She gets mad.
- One time, she gave my friend and I jello for dessert, and only chopsticks to eat it with.
- She has been "friends" with a ship captain, Captain Harrington, for many years. My mom and I always joke that they are secret lovers. One day, when my grandmother called me, she mentioned that she had recently had lunch with the Captain. She often says so, so I thought nothing of it. She went on to say that she had also told her son, my uncle Paul, about their luncheon. But then Paul had replied, "Grammy, you're still having sex at your age?!" My grandmother then said to me, "Can you believe that? That is just none of his business! How dare he ask me such questions! I have been almost faithful to my husband since his death in 1970!" And then I almost threw up.
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