An Introduction to Mildred

Mildred is my grandmother. She is an 86-year-old woman who lives in a condo of a huge white mansion by the ocean. She has a Minnie Mouse voice. She also happens to be INSANE.

Here is a list of a few of the ridiculous incidents connected to her:

- Once, she sent me a ring as a birthday gift wrapped in sanitary pads.

- The first two years of college, she sent me nuts at least once a week.

- She encourages me to copy the ideas of others and claim them as my own.

- She tried to find out if I was a lesbian, but then immediately denied that she ever hinted that.

- She accused the daughter of one of her neighbors as stealing some of her jewelry, but, in fact, the jewelry was in a bag and had fallen behind a dresser. Yet she still maintains to this day that the daughter stole it.

- She sent me two giant orange paper balls in the mail for Halloween.

- One day, she referred to cookies as chips, and bananas as bread.

- She stalks my mother and I at our places of work. She often drives by and looks in the window to see what we're up to.

- She has an extensive collection of valuable antiques, and constantly mentions them. She has had me document each and every item so that she has a summary of the collection, and can use that to decide which items will go to each family member when she dies.

- She won't throw anything away, so instead gives us even the oldest and moldiest of items, thinking we want them (we don't).

- She is a terrible driver, and almost always drives in the middle of the road. I tell her to please pick a lane. She gets mad.

- One time, she gave my friend and I jello for dessert, and only chopsticks to eat it with.

- She has been "friends" with a ship captain, Captain Harrington, for many years. My mom and I always joke that they are secret lovers. One day, when my grandmother called me, she mentioned that she had recently had lunch with the Captain. She often says so, so I thought nothing of it. She went on to say that she had also told her son, my uncle Paul, about their luncheon. But then Paul had replied, "Grammy, you're still having sex at your age?!" My grandmother then said to me, "Can you believe that? That is just none of his business! How dare he ask me such questions! I have been almost faithful to my husband since his death in 1970!" And then I almost threw up.